Category Archives: Dalia Lance

Warning Labels by Dalia Lance

For Amy Dixon, who always pushes the limits.

“There should have been some sort of warning label on her,” Christian said and began shaking his head between his hands as his elbows rested on the table. He was broken.

Alicia looked around the cafe to see how many patrons might be paying attention to his breakdown. Not many. She supposed a guy having an “episode” like this one could be considered commonplace on a college campus.

Alicia sighed and said, “I understand.” What she was actually thinking was A frickin’ warning label? Like that would have stopped you. But this was not very supportive, so instead she simply rubbed her hand on his back in the most comforting way possible.

This was the third such meltdown this semester alone. Each one was a little worse than the last. Alicia figured it was because the choices Christian had made in the women he dated were more vapid each time.

Alicia had known Christian all through middle and high school. They were not close, but when they both realized they were at the same college and they had the same major, the friendship grew quickly.

Unfortunately for Christian, he was an ugly duckling. This meant he had been a slightly chubby band nerd with terrible acne. Apparently, however, somewhere between the end of senior year and the first day of college that had all changed. Christian had not caught on to his new status.

Each of his horrible choices had been the opposite of what he truly needed and in fact wanted. So instead of a smart, fun girl who would like him for the great person he was, he continued to find high maintenance bitches who just wanted him for the stature.

Alicia was happy the latest incarnation she had dubbed “selfie slut” had gone the way of the others. She would no longer have to endure the constant stream of photos on Christian’s timeline where he was trying to look happy and she was doing an awkward duck-face.

Alicia was so in her own thoughts she hadn’t realized that Christian was saying something until he said, “You know what I mean?” her first instinct was to agree with him since she had missed what he said, but she had learned this was a dangerous practice.

“What?” she said, trying to look a little startled.

“Were you listening?” he asked.

Of course she replied with “Yes” but she hadn’t been.

“I was saying that I think that if we just dated, it would solve all my problems.” Alicia was stunned.

“What?” This time as she said it was almost a whisper.

Christian was started turning red. Shit, he was embarrassed. He had taken a risk, and he thought she was being receptive as she had kept on rubbing his back during the process.

She smiled at him and said, “Christian, I’m a lesbian.” He looked shocked and his eyes were searching for something to say.

Maybe she needed the warning label.





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Prom Date by Dalia Lance

For Briana J., because we have all said this at least once.

Well this is awkward!

It was in fact the most awkward situation she had been in since the fifth grade. That time she had actually arrived to school with no pants on. She couldn’t even remember how that happened.

It had, and it took moving to a new town for her to lose the nickname “No Pants.” By the time she had hit junior high, this nickname had taken on a new meaning and school was miserable.

Of course standing here at Prom, dressed as a chicken, was now a new highlight to her normally somewhat awkward adolescent life.

How did she end up dressed as a chicken at Prom? This question wasn’t nearly as interesting as WHY she was dressed like a chicken at the first major dance of her high school career.

Jade was surprised when she had even been asked to go to Prom. She actually thought at that moment it was a cruel joke. She had been asked by David Malcolm. David was not the most popular guy in school, but he was one of the coolest.

David was in a band that actually played frequently. They had even been scooped up by a manager and several record labels were looking at signing them. Jade had gone to several of their shows because the music was good and her friends would rather do that than pep-rallies and lame parties.

It was at one of the last shows he had asked her. She had been standing in line to get a soda, playing a game on her phone when she heard a voice ask “What level are you?” It was so close that Jade was startled and dropped her phone.

Before she could bend down to pick it up, David had and was handing it back to her. “Thank you,” she stammered as he looked at the phone, and then handed it back, saying, “Doesn’t look broken. Sorry I scared you.”

Jade just smiled. You see moments like this in the movies, but don’t realize that they can happen to you in real life.  She felt herself begin to sweat. She was nervous.

“Are you ok?” he asked. Oh god, she thought. “Yeah, yes. I mean. I am fine.” She sounded like an idiot. He simply smiled at her.

“What can I get you?” This time the voice was coming from the food cart.

“Can I buy you a soda?” David asked. She nodded and managed to ask for a Coke. She almost ordered a Diet Coke and then realized she would sound just like the girls at school. That and she hated diet soda.

As they got their drinks and started to walk from the cart, he asked, “So, Jade?” He knew her name, which surprised her since they never spoke and didn’t have any classes together. “Can I ask you something?” She nodded and added “Sure” so that she didn’t seem like she was now mute.

“Do you have a date for prom? and if not will you go with me?” She was caught completely off guard, and at the same time she was elated. “No…” she started and his smile began to drop. “I mean, I don’t have a date. Yes.” Well that wasn’t a complete sentence, but his smile brightened, so she was pretty sure he understood and was happy about it.

He gave her his number and headed back to the stage.

She texted him the next day just simply saying: This is Jade.

She didn’t expect a response, but he texted right back with a smile and started chatting. They had talked every day either via text or even having lunch together a couple of times at school. Jade found they had a ton in common and made each other laugh constantly.

David had told her how much he felt that you should make an adventure out of life. He liked to find a way to make everything bigger and more amazing. She found she liked this about him most. He thrived on being himself and liked her, it seemed, for who she was. It was awesome.

She had told him she was going shopping for her dress and he asked her not to and to trust him. Part of her began to get the sneaky feeling that she was being set-up, but she didn’t want to believe he would do that, so she agreed.

The night of Prom, a huge box had been dropped off with a corsage and a note saying: Don’t freak out. I promise this will be epic! See you soon.. Love David.

Before she even opened the box, she swooned over the word LOVE on the card. Her smile was huge until she opened the box and found the suit. There was a second note that had said: Meet me at Prom.

So here she stood, in a chicken suit, with a corsage, in front of Prom. She was about to walk away when she heard a commotion and saw a group of chickens, nine of them, walking towards her. The one in the lead came up and picked her up, twirling her around.

“You did it!” she heard David’s muffled voice say. She nodded, her chicken head rocking back and forth. “You are perfect!” he said, putting her down.

She knew he couldn’t see it, but she was smiling as he took her hand and led her into Prom.

The chicken suit prom landed not only in the yearbook and the local papers. It is one of the funny stories David likes to share when interviewed about how he fell in love with his wife.






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What it Seems by Dalia Lance

For Dani, who usually wears a smile.

She was a very unusual woman… or else a really good drag queen.

Frank thought it might be her height, or how broad her shoulders were. Or maybe it was the fact that she always wore make-up as if she were appearing in a show in Vegas.

He could never put his finger on exactly what it was about her that had him so confused. However, there was one thing he knew more than anything else… He was infatuated with Darla.

That was the name she had given him the first night they met at the bar. She was sitting at the bar, but her stool was facing out. She was watching all of the people with fascination, whether they were playing a game of pool or darts or simply chatting with friends. There were even a few customers that seemed to be having a hard time keeping their hands off each other.

No matter what the interaction, Darla would watch and sometimes a slow smile would creep across her face. Frank found himself watching her for several minutes until she finally turned her gaze to him.

Darla looked him dead in the eyes and winked. He turned away, quickly embarrassed. He didn’t know why he felt this way, but his cheeks warmed and he took a long drink before daring to turn and steal a glance at Darla again.

When he timidly turned his head, he was surprised to see Darla was still looking his way, this time with more of a smirk than a smile.

Darla said, “I am going to start charging if you keep staring.” Her voice was deep and sultry. Not giving away anything. “You gonna buy me a drink or are you going to keep pretending you can look away?”

Darla was bold. He liked that.

He bought the next couple of rounds of drinks. Darla liked a 7 & 7; it gave nothing away. He found out that Darla was guarded about some personal details. Darla loved cats and hated dogs. Darla used to smoke but now couldn’t stand the taste and Darla let Frank talk about anything he wanted to and Darla just listened.

He came back the next week with the hopes of meeting up with Darla again. He hadn’t gotten a number.

Four weeks later, he arrived again on Friday night. Darla was there

Darla always wore a dress that revealed a little but not enough.

Frank took a deep breath; he would have to do it now or lose his nerve.

He walked up to Darla, and before anything else could be said, he blurted out, “Darla, I want to take you out for a real date.” He had said it. He took another deep breath, awaiting the reaction. Darla looked at him a little puzzled and then said, “I didn’t think I was your type Frank.”

Frank stood there next to this beautiful creature and said the only thing he could think of: “Is that a yes?”

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Favorite Flavor by Dalia Lance

For Brandy, thank you for always being inspiring.

That’s one of the best flavors in the world…

“How would you know that?” Monica asked Chrissy as she grabbed the container of watermelon flavored warming gel from the shelf at the “couples super store” they had decided to stop in on their way to lunch.

“I tried a bunch of them with Mark. They are great for… you know… ‘heating things up,'” The smirk on Chrissy’s face would have been almost as annoying  as the quotations she was making with her fingers, if she wasn’t blushing a little.

Monica was shaking her head a little when Rachel walked up with what looked like a giant dildo with a suction cup on one end of it. The rubber member was over a foot long and as big around as a soda can.

Rachel held it out in front of her like a sword at first and then gripped it like a baseball bat. “I think I am getting this,” she said as she slung it over her shoulder.

“To do what exactly?” Monica asked while trying to contain her laughter. “Seriously, no human, I don’t care how loose, should be able to take that!”

Rachel narrowed her eyes as if offended by the laughter, or the comment, and then said, “This…” She was brandishing the giant dong in the direction of her friends, “is my new home defense. Anyone tries to break in then I am going to beat them with it.” She was incredibly proud of this decision.

“So if anyone breaks in, you are going to beat them with a rubber penis?” Chrissy asked this as she picked up a couple of the samples of the newest flavor of the warming gel. Rachel nodded and headed for the register. Chrissy handed Monica one of the three samples she grabbed saying, “That girl has spirit,” as they both headed out with their friend.

When they were all back in the car headed to lunch, Chrissy exclaimed from the back, “I think I have a new favorite flavor!” as she held up the now empty sample pack from the store.

“Where did you just put that to try it?” Monica asked and before Chrissy could answer, she said, “Wait! Nevermind. I don’t want to know.”


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Bad Day at Work by Dalia Lance

To Mark Etheridge: Your line made me laugh my ass off!

Her eyebrows were painted on, but too high, so she always looked surprised…

It had taken Mandi over three months to get used to Maria’s eyebrows. She was a very attractive woman with the exception of her drag-queen type eyebrows which seemed to have actually gotten a little higher since they first met.

Mandi’s daughter Sarah had wanted to join a Daisy troop, but since there were none in the area, they had settled on a Brownie troop that was in desperate need of a co-leader. This shouldn’t have been a bad decision. Unfortunately, staring at a room covered in flour and sugar, Mandi was 1000% sure this was the worst decision she had made as a parent.

Maria had seemed like a very dedicated parent and brownie leader when Mandi was first introduced to her that first night. In fact, it seemed like she had been the victim of some bad luck, with three other co-leaders dropping out of the program on her.

Mandi had actually felt a little pity and immediately signed on. Sarah was thrilled. When they arrived a little early for the first official troop meeting, Maria walked up and was standing only inches from Mandi when she said, “Did you read the manual?” Her eyebrows making her look surprised and angry at the same time. Her hands were fists on her waist. “Manual?” Mandi asked, unable to break eye contact with the eyebrows now looming at her.

“Yes! The Manual,” she said, pulling out a binder so large it would put an encyclopedia to shame from her bag. Mandi hadn’t even been told there was a “Manual.” She carefully explained this to the eyebrows, and Maria apologized saying she was a little on edge from work. Mandi had that first time decided to dismiss it; everyone has at least one bad day.

When she found out Maria was a stay-at-home mother, it began to get a little weirder. Mandi had volunteered that first night to help the girls achieve some baking and cooking badges as she made cakes as her business and when she proposed the idea, the eight girls in the troop, and Maria, seemed thrilled.

So, on the third meeting she brought all the supplies for the girls to make a small batch of six cupcakes each. It started out fine and well until Maria’s daughter decided to launch her bowl of dry ingredients at her mother who, in the girl’s defense, was being particularly bossy at that moment.

Maria then jumped up and started grabbing the bowls of flour and sugar off the tables and slinging it all over the room as the troop members watched, some in shock, a couple crying and two of them giggling.

This went on for about ten minutes until Maria slumped to the floor, covering her face with her hands and she began sobbing. Mandi walked over to her after getting the girls started on cleaning up. When she put her hand on Maria’s shoulder, she jumped, startled, and Mandi now saw the famous eyebrows smeared across her face.

Trying not to laugh, Mandi asked, “Bad day at work?”


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Distracting Features by Dalia Lance

To Whammi and whatever happened in 2006 🙂

She knew this day would come. She lay in bed and waited for the alarm to go off, thinking and thinking about what was going to happen.

When Jade got out of bed after sleeping for only a couple of hours, she didn’t even want to see what she looked like in the mirror. She knew that the bags under her eyes would be terrible. Deciding to forgo the initial shock of her appearance, she got in the shower and turned it on as hot as she could.

Something about getting really clean in the shower seemed to be able to lift anyone’s spirits. She brushed her teeth and began the morning routine to make her look amazing, even in her sleep deprived state.

She decided to wear a black pencil skirt, a tight sleeveless black top, and a grey blazer. She wore patent black stilettos. She draped her neck with a series of chains that started at choker length and ended up plunging into her neckline alternating between yellow and white gold.

When she looked in the full length mirror, she was pleased. She was tall, almost 5’10 without the heels. She had a slender frame with curves in all the right places. Her long auburn hair cascaded down her back in a tight ponytail which held it back from her face. The only make-up was black eyeliner, mascara, and a plum lip-gloss that perfectly accented her pouty lips.

She knew how hot she was. Jade had learned early on how easy it was to get what she wanted using all her assets. She felt that women who wanted to be measured only on their intellect did quite know how the world was intended to work. After all, women would not have been given such distracting features to use at their whim. Jade was nothing if not distracting.

She grabbed her purse and headed for the door.

The car was waiting for outside as she knew it would be. She actually couldn’t remember the last time she had actually driven herself anywhere.

The drive took about 45 minutes. She debated reading the news on the way, but it seemed pointless as she didn’t really care.

Her phone rang right as she pulled up. She gestured to the driver for him to wait to open the door.

“Yes, Martin?” she asked.

“I am not sure you should get out of the car. I think you should pull around back,” he said, sounding worried.

“You’re kidding right?” She hated cowards.

“No, look at them, I am afraid… Well… I am afraid you may get hurt or worse. There are so many.” His voice was trying to be imploring. Since she had already made up her mind on how she would handle this exact situation when she was unable to sleep at 3am, she just let the silence now on the line speak for her.

“Fine,” he finally said. “Wait ’til I open the door at least.”

She hung up the phone and gestured for the driver to open the door. She put on her sunglasses and grabbed her bag. She was done waiting.

She emerged from the car amid an explosion of flashes. There really was a mob. She could hear the voices throwing questions at her, asking her to look this way and that but due to the sheer number of them, they all seemed to blend together.

Her driver attempted to move the crowd back out of the way but there were simply too many. Martin finally arrived with several officers in tow. “I told you to wait,” he said when he was standing right next to her. “I know,” she said with a smile.

The officers began to clear a path towards the building and Jade sauntered forward. She made sure that each step was deliberate and confident. As she ascended the massive steps of the courthouse, she turned to the sea of reporters and waited for the one question she was willing to answer.

“Why did you do it?”

“Are you worried about the verdict?”

“Did you know some are calling you the Black Widow?”

And on, and on, and on. The same stupid questions.

Everyone believed in her guilt. Everyone was expecting a death sentence. After all, her husband had died, her husband had been poisoned, her husband had left her everything. She sighed, disappointing she thought as turned and headed into the courthouse.

As she entered the courtroom, she had her eyes fixed on just one person: Judge Edward Smithton. He held her fate in his hands. Of course, she mused, for the last few days, he had held more than that in his hands.

The room was stunned by the not guilty verdict. So much evidence, way more motive, and yet they hadn’t factored in the one crucial piece of the puzzle…… the distracting features.

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The Corset by Dalia Lance

This story was started and is dedicated to my friend and fellow Trifecta member. You are one of the strongest people I know, and I am lucky to have your humor, happiness, and heart in my life. I love you Rumpy.

“F*cking Really!” she yelled from across the room.

She looked out the window again at the beautiful day she should be out enjoying and was instead stuck inside what she considered to be a prison of manners with the evil overlord, which was of course, her mother.

She looked back at the two maids there to assist her in dressing in whatever contraption her mother had designed for her and wished she could kill them both with just a gaze like a Gorgon from one of her favorite stories. They would tell mother that she had used language unbecoming of a “maiden.” She narrowed her gaze, willing force into the thought of turning them to stone; when they didn’t turn and simply started to hurt to concentrate that hard, she became even more annoyed and realized she was nothing short of offended by the entire thing.

Having reached her 14th birthday apparently was quite enough to violently launch her into the realm of being “an adult” which to Elise was pure poppycock. It should have been the moment the entire world realized that she was in fact a powerful spell caster and her spells would allow her to control the entire kingdom, including her dreadful mother.

But no, instead she was to be presented as an adult to the entire court at tonight’s ball in her honor. So, she was to dress the part. Which meant that she would only be able to barely breathe as she curtsied a hundred times and told people she knew and hated, or would hate instantly when she was introduced to them, that is was a “pleasure to see them.” She did not desire, nor request this ball so she again was quite unsure how it could be “in her honor.”

Her mother had told her that she must be prepared to find a suitor; her best chances of making a good match were at this first “coming out” party. If time went on without catching the eye of a “noble gentleman,” then she would age and soon it would become a sympathy pairing. This was so she would at least have some choice in the man she would be bound to for a lifetime.

She sighed again. Bound to one other for an entire lifetime seemed again to her to be an abhorrent notion. She had only had one friend that had lasted more than a year due to her in general getting quite bored with their endless need to gossip and want to do needle point. Even horseback riding with the girls her age had been controlled and she rather felt like she could just sit there and let the handlers walk her around the arena. After all, a proper lady never brought her horse to a gallop, and a proper lady never said the word “f*cking” either, but Jacob, the stable master’s son had taught her both of these things and was her closest and dearest friend. She wished he would be at the ball tonight as he was the suitor she would choose and watch the look on her mother’s face when she announced she had made her choice.

So as she stood desperately grasping the bedpost as her Gestapo handmaid craned to get her into the corset. She could only hope that she would simply cease breathing and that she would pass out and miss the entire affair. As the last lace was tied and she tried to sigh, she began to actually believe this may be a real possibility.

Then as if whatever god watched over her thought it would be simply humorous to torture her more, her mother craned her head in the door and asked how things were going. “Well, the corset is on” was all Elise replied in a barely audible whisper. Elise regretted saying it immediately, as her mother decided to come in and “fix” her apparent inability to breathe by in fact making it feel like Elise’s ribs were being crushed with each pull of the lace as her mother “adjusted” the maid’s handiwork.

This was of course not before the maid had time to whisper to her mother of her use of profanity.

“Elise, truly, why do you insist on speaking as if you were a common woman of the night?” her mother said in a voice that rose in octaves with each word. If Elise didn’t know any better, she would almost believe it pained her mother to even speak on the subject.

Elise spun around to allow the handmaids to drop the dress on to her. Her mother was now glaring at her. Elise smirked, thinking she was glad her mother was not a gorgon at this moment as she may be turned to stone.

“Truly Elise, do you intend on being the death of me?” her mother said with a flourish of her arms as if she would faint.

When Elise turned her gaze away from her disappointed mother to look at the dress that had been chosen for her she actually gagged. She could only think that she would be as honored by the guests tonight as one would honor a frosted tart. The faint yellow color was horrible and it was nothing but layers and layers of what looked as if they were supposed to be petals but ended up looking like crumpled slices of cheese.

“This dress makes you look like a budding flower,” she continued, suddenly cooing, “and tonight you will bloom into a woman.” Her mother was absolutely more excited than this event warranted. Elise was convinced that this was in fact excitement of no longer having Elise under her roof.

Her mother stepped back spreading her arms in wide gesture and then brought her hands clasped in front of her chest “You look perfect!” With not another word, her mother turned and headed out of the room briskly; obviously she didn’t want to see or hear Elise’s reaction.

With a big sigh, Elise let the maids put the finishing touches on her dress of melted cheese.
As the time of her unveiling approached, Elise began to slowly meander to the dining hall. She knew she didn’t have to rush. She was sure her mother didn’t even expect her to be on time as it was her nature to sometimes not show up at all.

As she was leaning over the railing of one of the many overly furnished landings that allowed a full view of the courtyard, she was able to see the various noble families arriving by carriage to the event. As she sighed again trying to ready her nerves for this night, she spotted movement at the opposite end of the courtyard. It was Jacob, and he was frantically waving his arms beckoning her to come. She smirked; going to the barn in this dress was the opposite of what she should be doing. So of course she turned and began to make her way through the back hallways that would allow her to slip out mostly un-noticed by anyone except the staff.

She was careful to ensure no one had followed her, and she entered the door on the side of the barn, closing it behind her. It was fairly dark inside and it took a moment for her eyes to adjust. When they did, she looked around and saw Jacob’s face smiling down at her from the loft. With a motion, he again beckoned her to follow him upstairs.

“Why are you being so quiet?” She asked as she hiked her skirt up to climb the narrow staircase. As she arrived at the landing, she saw the loft was lit by several candles and a few of the finer linens had been laid out on one of the piles of hay. As her mouth opened and closed without words being able to escape, she looked over to see Jacob standing there with a look she wasn’t familiar seeing on his face.

He approached and stopped inches away from her where she could feel the warmth of his breath on her face. He stood several inches taller than her, with broad shoulders and deep brown hair he usually kept back in tie as it reached past his shoulder blades. Her heart began to race, part of her was unsure of what was happening, Jacob had been her closest companion for years, even though he was three years older than Elise. His hand reached up and fingertips traced along her face and his hand cupped just under her chin as he brought his lips to hers.

She froze. She didn’t know how to react. His lips were warm and soft and his hand which guided her lips to his was gentle yet strong. When he finally broke contact, he smiled down at her. “You look like a pile of melted cheese slices.” She laughed, the kind of deep laugh that she only shared with him.

“Jacob… I… My mother will be furious,” Elisa wasn’t sure why it was these words that tumbled out of her mouth. She didn’t care what her mother thought. She never had. At the same time, she wasn’t prepared for this situation. She knew about what was supposed to happen between a man and a woman that had chosen to be together. However, in this moment she realized that she had never thought of herself being in that situation. Elise had spent so much time enjoying her childhood that she hadn’t until this moment even thought of what this night was supposed to mean.

She closed her eyes and took as deep a breath as she could in the corset. She knew Jacob, she pictured the face she knew was staring down at her right now, his deep blue eyes, the dimple in his one cheek when he smiled, his muscular arms and chest she had seen when they went swimming in the pond at the back of the property. Jacob was handsome, and not in the proper way most of the gentleman at the party were “handsome.”There was a ruggedness that she realized she loved about her dearest friend.

She opened her eyes and looked up into his eyes, her eyes going to his lips and she stood on her tip toes to be able to reach and placed a kiss on his lips giving into kiss this time, letting every emotion that was flooding into her at that moment and into what they were sharing.

Jacob’s arms wrapped around her pulling her closer to him, her arms wrapped around his neck as she had seen in all the paintings of a couple embracing in a kiss. He surprised her and picked her up during the kiss and walking her to where the blankets lay. He placed her down in front and released stepping back. “Lis, this was the night you were supposed to be announced as a woman, and I can’t let you be presented to all those lords without you knowing that even though I am not a man of birth, and I know your parent’s would never let you be with me, I cannot image you spending this night with anyone but me.”

Without a beat passing, she cupped his face in her hands, smiled, and said, “F*ck them.”

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